Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Job Opening

Job Opening: Potty Trainer Needed
Description: Potty train 2 year old, clean up messes, never show frustration if child sits on potty then stands up and pees on floor.
Pay: None

Yes, I am in the middle of the curse of all parenting—potty training. We clap and get very excited whenever Maggie decides to use the potty and try to be encouraging and supportive when she doesn’t. Although I would like to put this off a couple more months, I have no choice in the matter. Maggie has been taking off her diaper nearly every time she goes and it’s not very fun when it’s #2. My sister in law uses duct tape to keep her little boy’s diaper on, but I decided to just go for the potty training since Maggie seems ready.
Today, I was trying to be a good little homemaker and prepare a lasagna to go in my crockpot when I heard a cheerful voice call from down the hall, “Mom, I pooped.”
I stopped what I was doing and said, “I’m coming.”
“It’s a big poop, Mommy.” I heard the little voice say and suddenly wondered if it could actually be coming from the bathroom. But my hopes were quickly dashed as I came closer to her bedroom. I walked in and saw my lovely little child standing on the top of her changing table with a bare bum. She had emptied the entire wipe box and there was a lovely present about the size of a Baby Ruth candy bar sitting on the changing table.

I screamed.

Maggie just pointed at the present and said, “It’s a big one, it stinks.”
Gracie came running because of all the noise and as I extracted the tird to be flushed down the toilet, I told Maggie to put away the wipes. As soon as I got to the bathroom, I heard Gracie screaming that poop was falling on the diaper box.
Unfortunately, just because there was a tird the size of a candy bar on the changing table didn’t mean there wasn’t more stuck to Maggie’s behind. So you can probably imagine what happened when she bent over to pick up the wipes.
After a few minutes, we had the whole mess cleaned up and disinfected. I found Maggie’s Pull-up in the bathroom sitting right by her potty.
I still have no idea how she was able to climb up on the changing table and stand there and not fall off.
I called my husband and told him that I had a job offer for him. He laughed and said it sounded like a lot of fun but he was okay with his job. I also told him that if he ever wonders why I don’t get around to deep cleaning our house, it’s because I have to conserve my energy to deal with the next disaster.
Luckily, I have a really nice husband and he would never wonder that because he is very appreciative of what I do every day. But I can still blame him for our strong-willed child who will sit on the potty for an hour and play and cross her legs so she won’t pee and then when she gets her diaper on, goes within 5 minutes. Of course, he doesn’t care if I blame him because he knows I’m just as strong-willed as he is.
I love to write and I’m thinking of writing a new novel. It would be a fantasy based on a child who potty trained herself and never had an accident—what do you think? I know, I know, maybe too far-fetched.


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